Boundaries and How to Use Them
Mar 16th, 2010 by Carolyn Resnick Method
Hello again. Today, I’d like to continue talking with you about the natural instincts of horses and how you can use them to improve your relationship with your horse.
A foal is born polite and from his herd instincts, knows how to stay safe, moving away from anything that is coming toward him and following anything that is leaving him. As he matures and starts to pay attention to the herd, he gets curious and begins to interact. He makes friends through his interactions, movements and self-expressions. As he matures he loses his natural politeness and either is able to direct his friends or be directed. The more he can communicate politely the more horses will respond positively to his communications.
As time passes, the foal generally will test other horses and experiment with rude behavior to see if he can get away with it, just like children do. The herd will set him straight by using a bigger or more aggressive physical display. When he returns to being polite after receiving an attitude adjustment, he returns each time a little wiser and more interested in developing a relationship rather than wanting to have his way with other horses. He learns the code of herd behavior. He must consider the other horses’ individual feelings and personal space.
Whether the horse is in the wild or domestic, horses need these interactions for personal well-being and for brain development. A horse’s brain needs challenges and nurturing throughout the day to keep his spirit alive. Horses need the herd interactions provided by us through the Waterhole Rituals in the domestic setting that we provide on a daily basis to develop a well-adjusted personality and good character while in our care. With a good character, life is always more enjoyable.
Looking at the stages of learning a foal experiences within a natural herd, the first stage of social development begins with his mother. He learns two lessons from this mother so he is armed with some information that will serve him when he begins to find his place in the herd. His mother teaches him when he can nurse and when he should not. She also teaches him that it is his job to keep up with her. These lessons are easy to learn because of the instincts he is born with. His mother increases these instincts throughout their relationship. As the foal matures, he starts to develop an ego and begins to become brave and try new things. He will become rude with his mother first and his mother will allow the rude behavior until he is so rude that his behavior begins to turn anti social.
The reason for this is so the he can protect himself in herd interactions by her letting him develop his moxie. This is when his mother, if she is a good one, will not take her foal’s abuse and will start educating him on his behavior toward her. She will teach him the boundaries he needs to respect through body language at first. If that does not work, a good squeal followed by a possible kick may be required to produce the desired change in the foal’s behavior. There is no clear rule on where the boundaries lie for the foal and this causes him to think before he acts to figure out what he can’t do or get away with. These boundaries are flexible for a reason.
He learns to check in at every horse interaction to see what the new boundaries are. This is what causes polite behavior and makes a foal more cautious. This also protects him from predators. Sometimes there are no boundaries and the foal learns that too. Sometimes the boundaries are created because of his anti social behavior so the personal boundaries of another horse will be large, to teach him a lesson. Sometimes these large boundaries show up from another horse having nothing to do with his behavior and he learns that lesson too.
The reason for this is the foal learns that sometimes no matter how sweet he is being, the boundaries may be great and have nothing to do with him. This is a very important lesson for the foal. This way the foal does not learn how to manipulate another horse to do something it does not want to do just because the foal is being sweet and adoring. This I see happening with many humans who have a deep bond with their horses and it should be addressed for the well-being of both the horse and the human. It is very important that the foal can’t work the system to the disadvantage of another horse or human. Horses learn that the bond must always be a two-way deal, in the moment. Not what is expected, but what is in the moment is all that you have.
No guarantees.
Think about what I have shared with you. It should shed some light on how to choose your boundaries with your horse and may explain his behavior toward you when he becomes optimistic and willing, when he swings the other way and when he starts to listen and wants to follow your lead over his own. It might come from more leniency or less. It is so important to understand how to use boundary adjustments both in subtle and bigger ways to develop a dancing partnership where the conditional bond is replaced by a more consistent connection in friendship, respect, and trust. You just cannot avoid the dance. From sharing a deep heart connection, between the nurturing and the shaping of character and well-being, comes the magic.
No related posts.
Dear Carolyn and All
This really has been a delightful and very helpful post as are all the responses.
Last Friday I was so excited I wanted to sit down to write about the changes I am experiencing with the 2 horses I am focusing on most of all and also all my horses. However, I was so busy I have been delayed until now.
In the space of 2 days the 2 horses, Sophie and Babalouis and I connected with a fullness, focus and sense of fun that I have not yet experienced with them before.
Besides the wonderful opportunities offered by the WHRs the entire concept of working/just being/playing with horses in Liberty has not only brought me a new dimension of understanding the horse’s point of view but much more about what relationship means to them and myself. In addition to this I came across Ho’oponopono. Needless to say I recognise that I am making shifts and changing to make these new experiences possible. For me it is like a wheel. I change, enabling the horses change and in turn their change enables my change and to the wheel goes round.
With both horses, on different days we moved as one, played with running to obstacles, turning, stopping, over poles with a true understanding of what we were sharing.
When playing with my mare, my husband was observing and could have easily been a distraction but my mare stayed focused on me.
I am not really expressing in detail what I experienced but I am sure everyone has a good idea.
In addition these past couple of weeks I have had 5 of my horses that live as a herd loose all together in a big yard and ground space, other than their fields or pen areas. I open a field gate releasing them, eventually asking them to come with me to a pen or building or vice versa and it doesn’t often go like clock work from one destination to another but there is this very relaxed feeling between us all and I can leave them to explore and then invite them usually in 2′s or singly to the destination I have in mind. My youngest who is 4 yrs has really benefited from this different kind of liberty time.
All of this is serving to change and enrich our relationships.
Also while I am here, Carolyn I have decided to step out of the group to be considered to be your voice. Thank you so much for presenting the opportunity.
Thank you too for all the time you take for our benefit and for the benefit of horses. It is much appreciated.
Love and Gratitude
to you all
Sally
Stina in St Vincent …When will you post another clip I really enjoy watching you work with your horses. Namaste Sherry
Thanks for that youtube clip Marja I really enjoyed it . Namaste Sherry
this post is very good and i find it amazing how much time Carolyn gives to read and answer all our requests. It is good that we in the class listen carefully and follow the advices, that leads to good progress for us and our horses.
Love from Stina in St. Vincent
Since I’ve been on this blog, my relationship with my horse has really deepened. Just standing beside her is an awesome experience. So, once again Carolyn, thank you.
Just found this video on YouTube, ENJOY
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Real Life Waterhole Rituals
This is such an interesting post, I am really enjoying it.
This week I was able to be at the barn everyday to be with Yowahtee and we have had the best week. What we did varied everyday, depending on the moments. They seemed to flow together very easily. One day we walked along the road, another we meandered in the field and up and down the lane. One day I journaled while sitting on a tarp in the middle of the grass, while he grazed. I learned much that day, being aware of him, the cats, the other horses and the birds flying by.
Yesterday, we played in the outdoor arena. He is really enjoying ‘Go Trot’ now, he eagerly awaits it like a kid, it is so much fun for both of us. I wrote about our first successful time earlier in the blog. It was such a breakthrough. Once he went, I could read that he was surprised and uncertain about it, but once he settled and we got eye contact, and I invited him back, giving him a small piece of carrot upon return and being thrilled at his return, he was thrilled with playing the game.
In the past, I had trouble sending him out to lunge on a line, but yesterday, I tried it as my instructor had recommended once a week on the line, and it was the best session we have ever had together. I used ‘go trot’ to send him and I didn’t need a whip and he stayed relaxed and in enjoyment the entire time, and I was nearly jumping for joy at the fun were having, and so was he!
Afterwards, I took him into a new pasture, that usually contains the mares and was empty. He had so much fun checking out the new space and would come over to me every so often when I called him after we had eye contact, sometimes we would companion explore. At the end of our time in the pasture, I only had to call to Yowahtee and he trotted right over and we went out walking together at ease.
What I am learning is that the asks and the fun, while learning to apply the WHR make it play, not work. The being in the moment, being aware and going with the flow keeps the feeling light. If I am soft with Yowahtee when I ask, he will try to do what I ask. If I would try to push his hip over to give myself space, he will push back, but if I ask and merely touch him lightly he will move with ease. Learning can’t be done through force, even for us, we can’t be force fed knowledge or even yoga, without hazard.
If something doesn’t seem to be going well, I have found it helps to think about if I am focusing on or ‘wanting’ a specific thing too much or too hard, trying to make it happen, instead of letting it develop. If I am trying to ‘make’ something happen that I desire, the thing is much harder to achieve because there are too many expectations and with intense focus, other wonderful things and opportunities are missed. I have to step back and see where we are and go from there, maybe even turning away from the desire and accepting the opportunities right in front of me.
If I just enjoy the process as it unfolds, without expectations or time goals, but with curiosity and creativity, it seems to happen naturally in a way that makes it a choice both of us have made. I think the WHR’s are about the relationship between myself and my horse, in our timing, based on our personalities, learning styles and love. I think every relationship like this will develop in its own way, not necessarily the same as another, or in the timing of another relationship. It is important to take the pressure off by being in the moment of the now in the relationship, not trying to be in the now of another horse and partners relationship.
I don’t know if this is making sense, but I think it is similar to marriages. My marriage will be unique to any other marriage and trying to make it the same as another will likely ruin the relationship – no couple will have exactly the same relationship as and another couple. I believe that is true with our relationships with our horses as well. For me, working with the WHR’s isn’t a test, or a competition, it is a decision made to learn about myself and my horse and to build my relationship with a program based on learning and working with how horses work with each other. I guess I am trying to learn to speak horse and see things through his eyes and essence, learning every step of the way about him and about myself and us.
oops forgot to specify – when I make him wait for carrots on the carrot game, I go get him, inviting him to companion walk to the pan. He did that several times for me very nicely yesterday.
At first there was a point when he wanted to challenge me, stepping towards me instead of driving away, and I had to get big and wild with my gestures to drive him back to the circumference (I can be very effective with body language). After that I made him wait about five minutes, not even permitting him to put one hoof over the imaginary line (about 20 feet back). In order to get the carrots, I came to say hello, extended my hand which is my invitation to companion walk, and he had to walk in an orderly way, not crowding me, to the carrots.
Since he has some of his own food there already, I feel I ought to make the rules about the surplus food I bring him.
Susan, thanks very much!
Every class must have its laggard, and that might be me. I keep having to reread the material, go out and interact, return to written material to see how much I’ve overlooked, misunderstood or forgotten, and yet little by little I think I’m tallying up some understanding.
The problem was we had such an amazing bond, but now I’m seeing fissures in the respect from the get-go that took their sweet time to ferment, so to speak. So yesterday when I had my fit of carrot tyranny (I circumscribed a 20 foot circle around me and the carrot pan, drove him back, would not let him enter, made him back up if he even took one little stepsy my way – in a spacious little pasture where he has grass and room to avoid me while running at a gallop), I sensed I had a defining moment with him.
See I’m getting jealous, because we live in an area where all the privileged of Guadalajara – and plenty of farmers just using their horses to go feed cattle – come parading up and down the cobblestone street where Capricho and the others dwell. It’s not like it is without precedent for him to watch other horses traversing the village in orderly ways, carrying everyone to and fro. Maybe 50 – 100 horses pass him a day, if not more. So his little refusals to carry me after previously going so willingly everywhere are perhaps a satire of my own blindness to defects in my leadership. And every time I hear clippety-clop outside the house, I think: I have to learn why my horse is being this way.
So I reread the posts on rude behavior and finally starting just getting it: the horse WANTS order. The horse who is reproved by a herd member respects them for it. And so on. Enough with the warm fuzzy stuff, it’s time to be the leader he wants me to be anew. I think before he was just so relieved to not be beaten and spurred and whipped, he was all over me for relief. But then he saw inattentive behavior in me and eventually nature started taking its way. Now we know whose fault this is…
This morning is Saturday, and I’ve heard perhaps 20 horses go by already, and I decided to expand my repertoire of taking territory. Capricho stays in a pen of somewhere between 1/8 and 1/4 acre with grass and yummy guamuchil trees to nibble on, so what I feed him is surplus. Today I thought of Carolyn’s story of the Belgian mare who had to just wait for her bucket of carrots, and I decided there would be new terms on getting his grain and feed. I whispered this to him beforehand and explained myself in words as he impatiently snorted for breakfast a la king. Using a six foot reed, I made him step back as I put his pans in the corral. I thought I’d ask him to do what he did yesterday with the pan of carrots: keep his distance a little bit, then come to me for an escort to breakfast.
At first he shook his head, bucked and kicked around. I just drove him off, and spent awhile watching the birds and passing horses. One time I went up to him and extended my hand for a signal to companion walk to his grain, and he again shook his head and ran bucking towards the food, and I shooed him away again. Nice morning, beautiful blue sky, birds singing, I could stand the wait. He was of course at a distance the whole time sulking but with ears forward. Then I went up to say hello, lightly touched his muzzle when he extended it, and stepped back to my imaginary line. Finally he approached me, I said good boy, and we walked orderly, peacefully to breakfast.
I see he has been pushing his limits here and there. We have a ways to go as to clarity on leadership, something which I have not correctly pursued all along. I don’t know what’s the matter with me, except that I was taught to train horses “the hard way” and it is just taking awhile to get the new rules of herd etiquette. Then again, maybe I’m not doing so bad for just nine months with the WHR. In any case, it’s starting to sink in…
Kerrie (53) – hoping this will make you smile and feel better, re your question ‘is there ever forgiveness’ and your sense of having somehow damaged your relationship with your horse. Alois Podhajsky said of his great horse, Nero: ….’”if he refused to take any sweets from me I knew that the worst had happened, that I had done him wrong in the course of his training or had demanded too much from him……this behaviour was a serious warning that I had made a mistake….”
So whether your horse’s change in behaviour has got anything to do with you or not, smile to think of the chief rider of the Spanish Riding School in Vienna being snubbed by his offended horse!
best,
susan
This is in addition to Candaces’ post #54.
How often do we see people who find themselves the new owner of a lovely and well mannered weanling or yearling only to ask themselves what they have gotten themselves into as that youngster matures and starts to challenge their boundaries or just become little monsters because their humans have never set boundaries.
Suddenly a trainer comes in and the little monster has full respect only by reading the new humans body language if they are a trainer who knows how to use their body language properly.
We are only doing our horses a huge disservice by letting them get away with poor manners especially from a young age. They are only doing what we let them and then they wonder what the hell happened when we get bonked, run over, kicked or receive a well planted strike and loose our tempers resulting in a good whack.
It also rings true when we get a new horse and don’t establish ourselves from the very beginning. If it was well behaved and had respect for the previous human we have to ask ourselves what are we doing to let that horse think it can walk all over us. It’s harder to establish our place later because the horse doesn’t take us seriously until that consistency comes in.
Carolyn, Please correct me if I’m wrong.
Hi Carol, I was impressed with that blog entry. It seems most people are not aware that horses have very clear ideas about good manners. The clearest example is the protocol for going through gates. A foal will always stop and let me go through first. This is without any training on this issue from me and from babies often far taller than I. It has happened so often that I now accept this as a sign of good manners and accept graciously giving them praise. Conversely, the appearance of mischief in this area is assiduously attended to and the youthful challenge is firmly corrected.
Regards,
Candace Costis
Carolyn and class, hello
Later on today, Carolyn, I’m going to try to call to set up an appointment for coaching.
The WHR are going very well as I will explain below. As for what worries me, I could state this or that symptom, but the thing that has really changed is this: every since the night the larger horse stayed in the pen with Capricho, he has stopped whinnying at me.
It used to be that when we rode, I would tie him up outside the house to get his saddle and so on, and whenever I’d come back and step out the door, he would give me a very loud, heartfelt whinny. He used to even leave his food to see me. While the WHR are going well, I have not had a whinny from him since the night that other horse dominated him in his new pen.
As for the WHR, for two and a half weeks I’ve been spending an hour just reading in his pen nearly every day. While he could remain quite far from me, he instead comes right up to me, and loves to just stare into my eyes. I’ve run him off a few times for trying to nip, so he has learned that is not OK. He seems to adore me. He will stand next to me for twenty minutes at a stretch while I read, totally polite, staring at me like I was the oracle of Delphi. I will occasionally say hello (no carrots) and sit back down.
He always comes up to me in his pasture. I never have to go get him. I have learned now from you that if he doesn’t want to put his halter on, don’t do it, but luckily he almost always tucks his head and pushes his muzzle towards the halter.
However most of our work still is at total liberty. I should also explain to you that I finally viewed the Waterhole Rituals DVD for the first time two weeks ago, and I am on the second read of your blog collection book. Little by little I’m comprehending the process, noticing this or that remark that went by me before, and so on. Last year when I was in your first WHR in the box program, unfortunately we had to move in the spring so I did not get to even start participating in the class until it was almost over in late July, but I did watch every one of the WHR videos of you working with Lucero, so I think I have a pretty good idea of things from those.
I began the companion walking exercises by putting carrots in two pans of food, and setting them outside the fence at either extreme of the pen. At first I led him from behind from one pan to the other (I brought the pan of food from outside to inside when he went where I directed). Then I began doing a kind of companion walking which is very respectful, very healthy. I have read how we must not let the horse follow us lest he be overwhelmed by his instinct to nip us, and keep right at the heart area. He caught onto this game fast, and I would companion walk him from one pan to the other, stopping en route to ask him to stand still and let me walk around him (rewarded with a carrot). One time he tried to just go on ahead, so I took him back to that very spot and made him stay still while I circled around him, then took him on to the carrots. Now he is companion walking with me very well in – I emphasize – a very orderly, respectful manner, not allowing him to crowd me. I have also been able to send him away to circle a tree and have him come back – things are going well.
Another thing I observed in your book yesterday was that you say we should spend at least a half an hour with our horse with the first ritual before asking anything of him. I hope I have understood that correctly, a point which emerged in your blog sometime before I was able to participate last summer.
But I’m concerned about my leadership with him. There used to be such hearty whinnies, just the way he does with another horse. I mean, every single time I would appear after having been out of sight, I was greeted with a whinny. I can pinpoint the very day it changed – when I put him together with the larger horse. I had let them play together several times, and it appeared they were energetic friends. But when I went to see him that morning after, it was obvious the other horse was driving him around.
Is there ever forgiveness? Does he want a different owner? I’m going to try to call. Thanks very much for this blessing of your blog.
Dear Carolyn,
Thank you very much for your reply and your concern!
But I can honestly reassure you that I always feel very safe when working – or being – with my mare at liberty in the paddock. I’ve been working with her in liberty for a year and a half now. The first year I was indeed guided by an experienced (natural horemanship) trainer, because my groundrule is to always be safe, and keep myself and my horse in the comfort zone. And I was very aware of my lack of horsemanshipskills, as I still am very much aware of my shortcomings.
But we have really bonded now, and my leadership skills have evolved. Her ‘testing me’ period has passed. I’m now working on shaping her more, especially her behaviour around food. She’s a powerful horse with a lot of self-esteem, but also tolerant to my ‘mistakes’ in communication, very willing to cooperate and very soft, open and down to earth. She hasn’t got a bad bone in her body.
I can move her around when leading from behind, asking her to walk and trot when I want. I just can’t send her away from me to trot (but also just started working on that), and rarely get her to trot together, with me beside her. And believe I’m able to predict her temperament, when she’s in the paddock or in the stable.
My story about the kicking and bolting incident is what must have alarmed you. It didn’t happen while working the WHR’s or doing other liberty work, but when going for a walk together. Walking with her is so enjoyable for us both, and I want to offer her the adventure.
I don’t think she bolted by choice, she just panicked. I know she kicked me only as a reflex because she couldn’t flee, I held her back. She never ever tries to kick me on purpose. I remember when I held her back she turned and we stood there facing each other, thinking both (as I felt, judging by the expression on her face): what on earth just happened? It was all instincts and reflexes on both sides. I pulled myself together and we walked back to the stable, she was soft and apologetic afterwards. It didn’t make me trust her less. In a way it maked me distrust ‘the world around us’.
I know I probably should have let her flee, but my reflex is to not let go of the rope, because I am afraid she’ll get tangled up in it or be in danger by traffic, depending on where we are. In that particular moment, my instinct is to be more concerned about her safety than mine.
I wrote about my experience because I read the stories and your comment about never taking a horse to a place he’s not comfortable (which I never do), or making a scary place comfortable. I wanted to present another situation to reflect on: even when you and you’re horse are in that comfortable place, and relaxed, something unexpectedly can happen which creates a panic, and I wonder: can you ever prevent this?
What I think now is that I’ll have to make her more bomb-proof first, and/or make her more trusting of me.
Thanks again!
best wishes
Just had an interesting experience I’d like to share, although it is related to “boundries” in only the most peripheral way. For many years I’ve been breeding and raising foals, mostly for my own use (rather than for sale). Living in Virginia and then Florida, I did as most people hereabouts do, foaling the mares in a large, deeply straw-bedded stall. This entails days and sometimes weeks of careful foal-watch, staying up all night prepared to intervene if necessary. Usually my presence turns out not to be essential, but on a couple of occasions, it proved vital. My lovely Z (now an 8 year old standing 17.1) presented upside down (feet over nose) and I had to reach into the birth canal, push him back and rotate him so he could be born. And Sonnet, half-Lusitano son of an older TB mare, was born normally but the mare ruptured a blood vessel right after expelling him and would have bled to death if I (and by an odd coincidence, my vet) wasn’t there to immediately intervene.
Anyway, last night a much-awaited palomino warmblood colt was born. Based in large part on your teachings, I decided to let the mare have her foal in her pasture instead of the stall. This mare is a 17.2 liver chestnut Hanovarian by Diamont. I selected her specifically to breed with a magnificent local dressage star who is a cremello german warmblood. She was 14 when she arrived two years ago. I introduced her into my herd (about 20 at the time) and in due course she was bred by AI. She never really assimilated into the herd, remaining low on the totem pole and mostly hanging around the periphery, being driven away by others. After about 7 months, she aborted a beautiful stillborn palomino colt. He looked perfect, although of course there is no way to know for sure. But I thought the stress of the mare’s difficult social interactions might have been a factor. I bred her to the same stallion again, and this time separated her and a companion horse in a small 3 acre field adjacent to a similar small field with an older laminitic mare and her buddy mule who also did not do well in the herd. The companion horse pined for the herd and did not bond with the Hanovarian mare, so eventually I put him back in the herd. The mare seemed very happy by herself, with others nearby but seperated by a fence, so I did not introduce another companion for her. She has lived in this pasture for eleven months.
Her foal was due last Sunday, and I have kept watch at night. I tried moving her to a smaller field that has lights, but she was very fretful there even when I sat in a chair, wrapped in blankets, by a pile of fresh hay. So after one night, I took her back to her own field, where she immediately relaxed. Unfortunately, no lights. And as you probably know, the moon was just a sliver the past few days. So I drove my car into the field and watched her in the headlights. Last night she foaled, and that is where this story really begins.
The contrast between mare-newborn interaction in a large field and in a stall is startling. First, this foal is a very vigorous colt. All I did was break the sack and wipe his nostrils when he first emerged, then stepped back and just observed. The mare was relaxed and stayed down for about 45 minutes after the birth, licking the foal and wickering to him as he moved about. He broke the cord after about ten minutes (I did step in to dip it in iodine) and struggled to his feet before she got up without any assistance from me. She got up soon after, and started licking and nudging him.
All this is pretty much the same as it is in a stall. This foal got to his feet faster than most and seemed to have less trouble doing so on grass than most foals do on straw, but other than that it was the same. The big difference was what came next. In a stall, the mares pretty much stay still (where can they go?) and the foals flounder around until they find her teat and start nursing. If they have not succeeded after a while, say an hour, I usually guide them to it. This was completely different. The mare started walking at once, and the foal tottered after her. She walked in a big circle, keeping the foal on the inside, letting him lean against her to keep his balance. After a short time, say ten minutes of walking around, the foal had pretty good control of his legs. Only then did she stop and nudge him towards her teat. He found it at once and started sucking vigorously. I was blown away — this is clearly the way it is supposed to happen. After eating, the foal collapsed and went to sleep. The mare stood over him, licking and wickering, obviously bonding. (This happens in stalls too, of course.) But when he woke up, it was different again. She immediately started walking around, coaxing him to follow, and going after him and nudging him back if he wandered. I was amazed at how much distance they covered. Within an hour of birth, they did several circuits of the field. The foal got stronger and steadier much faster than any foal I ever birthed in a stall. So much so that when I led the mare to the gate (where the light was better) to give her some Ulcerguard and banamine and a nice sloppy warm meal, the two-hour-old foal was doing a pretty balanced trot!
This is all of a piece with what you have been saying, of course, and maybe it should not have surprised me so much that the natural way is much better, but it did. When you do something one way for a long time, and things seem to go well, you sort of think that’s the way it is supposed to be.