How to be your own horse whisperer – part 2
Mar 10th, 2009 by Carolyn Resnick Method
Well, thank you so much, what an amazing response to my question! I said it would be interesting and so it turned out to be. Mark has compiled a top 10 list of your ‘wants’, which I will post at the end.
As you remember from last week, I was talking about horsemanship, trust and connection, which lead me on to asking the question about what you would like your partner to be. Now the reason I asked this was, and this is going to sound a bit out of place, but a horse wants to be treated like a woman wants to be treated.
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As I was reading the comments, which are very reflective, I began to think of all the problems we have had with modern children and lack of disapline. We have certainly lost a lot of those skills. I always enjoy the nanny shows. When we can let our own instincts come through rather than our thinking brain then it makes more since. Also erasing anything negative helps. Then life is great for everyone around.
This blog is really exceptional for the quality of its posts and the respectful way that people talk to each other. Re boys and horses – I think one of the benefits of the feminist movement is that in many cases it championed the qualities that were traditionally marginalized as feminine (understanding, intuition, gentleness), and gradually enabled men to begin to own these qualities also. This (supported by growing number of women riders and trainers) has had a huge impact on horse training. In a way I see the training that focuses on women’s interactions with horses as addressing the inbalance that has existed for millennia in horse training.
On the other hand, we were all captivated by those images of Alex and The Black! There’s no doubt that men today are just as able to express these qualities in their interactions with horses (if they’re brave enough). I think this is particularly true for young men who’ve been brought up by a generation of women who feel increasingly comfortable in their own power. I’m sure we look forward to the day when the best qualities of traditionally male and female approaches are regularly brought together in the training of horses. In this way we can honour all aspects of the horse.
Forums like this demonstrate such a wonderful evolution in horse training.
I agree with much of this…but i have to say it is a little sudo-feminist….sorryyeee!! No offence, much of it is wonderful, we find ourselves in different roles in human relationships as much as equine relationships, because essentially, these are the basis for all relatioships…it is ok to be a a parent in a given moment, but not all the time with our partners, time for passion, for dancing, for talking, for crying and laughing and making plans – all at the right times. But often the roles become confused, and this is the same with horses. Great stuff. BUT what i object to big time is the roles you say boys and girls find themselves in with horses. In my experience, girls tend to go through pony phases, very important time for learning about masculine AND feminine qualities – horses are MY fascination because they hold both the masculine and the feminine in equal measures. Many girls grow out of ponies, but some don’t, like us! We grow through the experimental stage into maturity and sophistication with horses, and this whole natural horse movement is really questioning what is the way to sophistication and maturity in communication with horses – maybe it’s not we were thougt to believe at our riding schools? With boys, they tend to be the ones who stick it through, less of them go through ‘pony phases’, but most boys who find horses as a way for them, stick with it. My son is 10 and he has no interest in riding. But if you could see him on the ground with my horses, it would take your breath away. He certainly does not dream of going into battle. He was the first one to reach out and touch my 15hh ferral gelding who was terrified of people when he came. He finds an inner peace with the horses after school. He prefers football to contact his inate masculine energy of competitivness and winning and goal scoring. With the horses he finds a balance. He hugs them, loves the way they smell and doesn’t understand why i want to ride because he says he wouldn’t want to be ridden by anyone! I do love what you say about the way some men use dominance in horsemanship – a stereotypical male trait. But i see women every day with that same masculine obbsession, to control, to dominate, to punish. And sometimes i think it is because they have no control in the rest of their lives?
But the main thing i feel passionate about is this balance held within the psyche of a horse, both as an arcytype, but also in my own experince of grasping that balance myself through the horse. The psyche of a horse is neither he or she, but the connection of both in harmony.
Dear Jan,
Thank you for the update on your horse. It is really hard to have a good attitude when sick. I am so glad that he is treatable.
As I have said before it is the voice of the majority that makes changes in how we preceive our treatment of horses. Blogs like this one can speak as a majority. The more people respond to what is fair, just, moral, and effective, the more people will take an interest to approach a horse with respect.
I remember once that a couple brought a horse to a clinic of mine, no one could saddle the horse and they hoped that I could fix the problem. The horse had been to many trainers. It then became my turn and I made friends with the horse and developed the connection slowly. When the time came to saddle the horse I took it slowly. I first put the saddle about 5 feet in front of the horse, stood in front of the horse and proceeded to toss the blanket on and then the saddle all from the front. I cinched the saddle up very slowly. Then I got on and rode her. I had the owners do the same thing and she was fine and has never been a problem. It is about attentivness, getting permission, trust and the bond in the moment and being willing to listen and not try to put the saddle on if she was no up for it. I have never produced a cinchy horse. I have never had a horse in my care stay cinchy. I take the time it takes to get the connection and willingness. I always believe that a horse has rights to its personal space and opinions.
It is a thin line to walk, when to use force or when to choose not to. I can say if a person wants to hit a horse to be expedient don’t do it.
Some of the old cowboys were with their horses every day, all day long. I remember it. They knew their horses better than you could ever imagine. They loved their horses and respected them as much as anyone could and took care of a horse as best they could and their horse’s knew it. You can be strong with a horse when you have a connection and the horse is fine with it. The most important thing is to give a horse a good life before you would every revert to being strong or hitting a horse.
It is perfectly alright to hit a horse, but saying that I must also say that in 99% of the cases it is abusive to hit a horse. I always notice that people seem to hit their horse while the horse is restrained in some way. If the horse is at liberty then you will know instantly how the horse views the connection and your relationship bond. You can not hit in anger or as a way to improve or ask for performance and not until you are a master in horsemanship and your horse likes you more than anything on this earth and likes you in the time of your correction. From these conditions you have license to hit a horse if in the hit you do not blame your horse and you see it as a communication only and it would not create alot of pain. It is always best to seek a better approach.
If you feel you have a strong marraige with a horse, hitting can be none abusive. In general when a person hits a horse they are in a hurry so my adivce is to slow down. Horses need attentivness, direction and a person that shapes their program and leadership to bring a horse a better life. Which I know that you do. Your way with horses helps others to have more care for all creatures on earth.
Wishing you a quick cycle on the meds, and I am really glad you were able to figure out the cause for your horses behavior.
Carolyn
Carolyn,
This is so nice! I have never heard it said this way. Linda talks about the Golden Rule of Horsemanship–”Treat your horse the way you would like to be treated.” Very similiar but I have never heard any other trainers say anything close to that. It seems the training world is so over run by people who want to blame the horse. That mentality coupled with the outdated view that horses are dumb animals I think is what leads people to use force. And many of these well-known cowboy trainers do exactly that. I watched RFD TV for a couple minutes last week only to see some guy who brought in old Tom Dorrance to show what to do with a horse that tries to bite when the girth is tightened. He proceeded to hit the horse in the face with his cane when the horse tried to bite. I don’t really care what people think of this guy and what he has done but that type of mentality is what easily leads to abuse of horses! There was no mention of whether or not the saddle could be causing the horse to bite or some other sort of pain. He blamed the horse for being dominant and wacked him in the jaw with his cane. This sets a TERRIBLE example for other people who then think it is fine to beat up their horses when they do something “wrong.” Linda says behavior is language and that we must learn to listen to our horse’s whispers so the horses don’t have to shout. This horse was trying to say that girth tightening was uncomfortable but the cowboy wouldn’t listen.
What do you think is the best way to get this point across to other people? I do know many people are looking for a different way but if this is all they see then it is hard to show them otherwise.
BTW Archie still has Lyme and is back on meds for it. You were right about it being a brain thing. Lyme definitely affects the brain. I really didn’t want to believe he could still have it after 3e0 days of treatment. He is the second horse I have treated this year for Lyme and I am sick to death of dealing with catheters and meds and now I have another month of that to deal with! (sigh)
I’m new into this discussion, but I just wanted to share one thing. I have compiled stories in a book (2008) titled: “MARES! (ya gotta love em)…Fifty Stories to Aid & Inspire Mare Owners.” I often sign these books with an added comment: “Within each mare is the heart of a woman. Treat her accordingly for best results!” So I was very glad to read your comment that a horse wants to be treated like a woman wants to be treated! Thanks for this affirmation! I agree that being attentive to our horses does make a great difference in their response. My very Alpha mare actually DEMANDS my attention and is very affectionate back.
Hi Carolyn. I think that the point that you make about attentiveness is key in our relationship with horses. When a trainer fails to be attentive to the horse, and then the horse goes and does a “negative” behavior I would blame the act on the trainer who broke the focus first. How can you command your horses attention if you don’t demand it from yourself. If the male in a dance partnership fails to lead his partner can he blame her for the results? I also think that earning your horses respect is akin to a courtship ritual, you need to make yourself attractive to your potential partner.
Thanks so much Carolyn!
I have found this all to be true. When I am being more attentive to my horses the feedback they give me is this attention in return. If I haven’t spent time with them in the day, like I usually do, the next day I will come out and they seem a little aloof, until I redeem myself. Now, I’m just like this with my husband, so go figure! :~}
We both warm up very quickly when we are given the attention we both want and deserve- and then everybody gets what they want!
I was moved to write about my experiences, memories and share what I got out of reading today’s blog. As a young girl I also remember “playing” horse and being completely horse crazy. I read 100′s of horse books and rode my bike 10 miles each weekend to the nearest stable just so I could watch other girls ride and be next to horses. I am certain that to some degree it was the projection of power and beauty I was unable to own for myself that I experienced when I was in the presence of horses. All of the labels I would give horses I can see are a reflection of things I am myself. Powerful, beautiful, free, magnificent, excellent, spiritual etc. I became an avid student of all things horse and eventually had a successful horse business which kept me very busy. In that busyness I had the realization that I wasn’t enjoying horses the same way I once had before it became the thing I “did” to support myself and them. As a horse person I noticed looking back I was just as hard on the horses as I was on myself. I survived a difficult childhood and horses were an inspiration that I focused on for creating a reason to get through it. What I really remember wanting with horses when I was a girl was connection. I remember everyday I rode my bike to school was another day to dream about the “magical connection” I had with my imaginary horse, that knew what I was thinking and needed no tack to follow my lead. In my imagination there we were in connection and clear communication, running free up and down the beach and the feeling I remember having was so real. It has taken me so long to find support and a way to get what I always knew was the “way” I wanted to be with myself and with horses and in relationship. Supported and Connected and Appreciated. I can’t thank you enough Carolyn for being the opening and the path I now walk down every day in relationship with myself and then in relationship reflected out towards others. I am learning great lessons every day in being in the moment and studying the stillness that accelerate my progress and I really appreciate the risks you take to be a demonstration of teaching in action. Your Method and the Waterhole Rituals have returned me to a very powerful place in connection with myself and relationship with others that I have always wanted but wasn’t able to get to on my own. What makes you so original and magical as a teacher is the knowing that time is irrelevant if the relationship isn’t honored. What is the point in getting somewhere if I get there and the price I paid wasn’t self honoring? or honoring to others? Now I take time to honor myself and others and the relationships I have with the horses I am with are what I always knew they could be. Magical! I have never regretted the time it took to get there and always look forward to spending the time it takes in relationship, connection, and deepening the bond. What I have now is real enjoyment of what I am doing, acceptance of the process, and unlimited enthusiasm. What a lot of gifts I have…all from you!
It makes so much sense what you are saying, Carolyn, and I’ve never heard anyone make that reference, of horses wanting similar things that women want from a partner, but it makes so much sense. It also makes a lot of sense that women are drawn to horses because the beauty and power horses have is very feminine by nature, and reminds us of what we have inside. We hope somehow, or at least I do, that horses will help us have a deeper relationship with our own personal beauty and power. Yet, often women can get very hard, nasty, and even mean with horses, thinking that is the way to keep them under control. That kind of behavior can take women further from their own feminine nature. Or on the flip side, women can be completely lovey-dovey, treating the horse like a child, and sometimes like a spoiled child… we all know what kind of horse that can produce, and person too! It is really easy to fall into those ways of being, because it’s been such a mystery of how to find that balance with horses. Thank goodness for you and your discoveries!
So along with so many other insights that you have shared with us, I look forward to thinking about this… it seems it should be easy to empathize more readily with a horse and what they want if I think of it as how I’d like to be treated by my husband. I want my husband to be affectionate, but not smother me with affection, and not bother me when I’m not feeling affectionate – basically I want him to tune into me, as I do for him. I’m learning when horses want to be petted and loved on and when they don’t. I have to say it is hard to refrain sometimes. I often just want to pet anyway… but I have to remember how annoyed I’d be if I wasn’t in the mood to be touched. I want him to tune into my moods and respect how I’m feeling, and this is a big one that I want to continue refine with horses. Notice how they are feeling in the moment, instead of reacting to some static idea of who I think the horse is.
I want my husband to spend quality time with me, and I want to follow his lead sometimes, and for him to follow my lead sometimes. I want to feel a give and take, but in a crisis, I do enjoy knowing that he’s got a handle on things and i can rely on him.
I want him to love me and care about me, but not put me up on a pedistool. I want him to call me on my crap (as I do for him), because then I can become a better person, and we can become a better team if we allow open communication about the things we don’t like.
It all applies so well, and I hope I can start to apply these things more as I spend time with horses.
Thank you so much for your insights Carolyn. You have presented a way of being with horses that I have always hoped for, and I am so enjoying using the waterhole rituals, and so glad I got to have a private clinic with you. I haven’t ridden in months, and I don’t even care!
Thank you for this post. I really responded to your comment about girls wanting to be horses. I think this is something often missed by those who believe that girls use horses as substitutes for a perfect man. In some cases this may be true (!) but the fact was that we always played at actually being horses as girls. There was something in their freedom and power that we related to and wanted to share.
The idea of women and horses wanting the same things in a relationship is also fascinating. Thanks again for this post (and thanks to Pam too! I certainly judged my husband-to-be on the way he interacted with horses!)
Thanks Carolyn! This is very insightful and I agree with you 100% about horses wanting to be treated like women want to be treated by a man! I have learned this from my horse and it is nice to have it validated. It makes so much sense that women and horses relate to each other so much – we basically want the same things. I have noticed men who handle horses in a certain way and have thought to myself “I bet he makes the ladies in his life very happy”.